ANote2Say

No 'Fooding' on the bed

2012-02-02T11:02:00.002+05:30

I thought i should put in a couple of Sammu's favourite dialogues and songs from these days:

We have recently started to teach her that it is not good to eat on the bed. I am guilty of eating on the bed at times - so that is why this is such a late and difficult lesson. So Rajesh has been trying to get her to stop this. He told her that there should be no eating on the bed, which she has converted to 'No "fooding" on the bed'! We don't know how she picked up this 'fooding' thing but it's very amusing and she declares it each time to all of us when she wants to have food on the bed!

The next is a made up song - she has these small 4 or 5 piece puzzles, simple animal ones that she has just begun to fit very well. So she fits the dog, the cat, the goat and the horse and then sings this song:

'Dog-u friend-u, Cat-u friend-u,
Horsey-friend-u, Aaadu-friend-u,
Ellam friend-u......
and then ends with some humming..

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.'

She will warn you quite clearly - this song should not be sung when the puzzle is being assembled, only after. And the humming should come only at the end of the song. It's very amusing to see her stand next to the puzzles and sing this!!

A month gone by already

2012-01-31T11:13:00.002+05:30

I just realized it's been a month since my last post. Already 1/12th of this new year is gone! So much has happened in the last one month. My daughter went back to playschool without a fuss, attended her pre-school interviews, got through, started sleeping peacefully and I was about to heave a sigh of relief when we got back to square one since yesterday.

She has started to cry when going to school, yet again. Much crying, tantruming, wailing, bribes of bits of chocolate, bourbon biscuits, fruit chews, episodes of vomitting all over again. I don't know what has trigerred this fresh episode. The one upside of it all seems to be that - oh no - i am not going to say anything, else that upside will also vanish today.

Next week is going to be a major milestone, we are going for her mottai. This is her first one, we have already explained that it will be temporary and she will grow new hair. But she has started saying she doesn't want new hair and she likes her old hair a lot ;-).

Work is hectic, i continue to swing this way and that way between understanding that i absolutely have to work, feeling desperately locked in this position and yet unable to do much more. Let's see what time will bring.

A New Ye ar and a great weekend (mostly)

2012-01-02T11:18:00.002+05:30

We welcomed this new year at home, as we always do. But we were in bed this time and trying to get Sammu to sleep. We had decided to spend the night at my mother's house, because i didn't want to leave her alone on New Year's Eve but we ended up doing that anyway because R and I were engaged in a battle of wills with Sammu and she finally slept only by 11 45 PM.

So we were very happy when the new year dawned, not because it was a new year and all that, but because we had succeeded in making our daughter sleep :-)
Small battle won, major wars remaining.

Cooking wise, I had a really good time on the first day of this year. I made Pongal-Vada Sambar for breakfast which made all at home very happy. My mother enjoyed her breakast and that's saying something. My daughter was all too happy to see the vadas as well - Rajesh must have missed the chutney but he didn't say anything.

I ended up making muffins for Sammu's snacks this week, another wonderful recipe from http://www.divinetaste.com and added walnuts and dates to the recipe instead of blueberries. The muffins were awesome, soft and moist and the taste of dates and walnuts together was incredible, even if i do say so myself. I also made pasta for dinner which is not a typical dinner at my home, so it was pretty special.

I do have some resolutions for this year - chief of them being to charge my cell phone regularly and to answer and return all calls!!! But the others are all too serious and I don't want to make anyone gloomy by sharing those.

Have a wonderful new year and hope you enjoy it!!!

The end of a year

2011-12-29T11:17:00.002+05:30

So here we are then at the end of the year again. Time to retrospect and introspect some. For me, it's been an unusual year - the year that saw my sister get married, my daughter move from a baby to a little girl, a year of surprises, some of them good and some of them not so good. My husband gave me a shock when he said some time back that this was probably the year that we had our maximum number of fights. I found it surprising when he said that and yet when I look back, I realise it's true. It's been a stressful year because we had to take so many tough decisions, our little one was becoming increasingly opinionated and we had to use all our patience to handle her. Our patience (at least mine) used to run out completely when it came to any others...

This is becoming a rambling post - one without much of a point..

Anyway here's wishing you all a very Happy New Year and let's hope 2012 brings more interesting things!

A Christmas Party and other updates

2011-12-20T10:46:00.002+05:30

Sammu had great fun this last weekend. There was a Christmas party at school and all parents, siblings, relatives of the child were invited as well. So we all went, R, me and R's mother. Sammu was very happy and proceeded to play with all the toys set out in school as well as participate very happily in all the activities intiated by the teacher. I'm sure she felt this was the 'right' way to go to school - with her family sitting around her!!

It's been a roller coaster of a ride the last couple of months with her, what with us deciding to wean her and her refusing to settle down in school and also having numerous sleep problems. May be all of these problems are related? I'm not sure. But she was a cranky and fussy kid through most of the time, given to throwing instant tantrums, crying at the drop of a hat for anything and falling asleep only after struggling against us and sleep for at least 2 hours.

Now we seem to have rounded a corner. At least with the weaning and sleep bit. She doesn't fight so much to sleep - meaning she doesn't fight over 2 hours, although we still have a bit of a struggle for about 45 minutes to 1 hour. I am also over most of my exhaustion and I'm able to expend that extra bit of energy and ensure she sleeps at a fairly decent hour.

I made a plum cake from http://www.divinetaste.com for the potluck at her Christmas party. It came out well and vanished from the plates of most parents and kids immediately. My own kid of course refused the plum cake at school, she said quite clearly that she didn't want a brown cake and she wanted the white one with the cream. Sigh.... but i guess that happens.

Here's a picture from the party - trying to count on her fingers as she sings a rhyme about counting...

The end of a beautiful experience?

2011-11-22T11:17:00.002+05:30

I have finally started to wean my daughter. For the last couple of nights, possibly the first of such nights since she was born, my daughter has gone to sleep without nursing. It's a bittersweet feeling. It's been 25 and a half months now and our nursing experience has had it's own highs and lows. At times, it's made me feel incapable, furious, frustrated, peaceful, relaxed and so contented.

When she was born, I was very worried. I did not trust that my body would be able to sustain her and feared that it would let me down yet again. So my first target was to nurse for at least a month. Then we slowly revised this - I nursed her through 1 month, through six weeks, through 3 months and so on until today. I was so anxious that I would have to stop when I went back to work. But with the help of the Medela pump that i bought and a very understanding husband (who ferried me back and forth to home and work for lunch until she was around 8-9 months old, we sustained. It also helped that she had always been a great nursling - she was perfect with her latch right from the beginning and she was always very enthusiastic to feed. My mom was another source of huge support, she patiently listened to all that i said regarding bottle feeding my baby.. the numerous instructions I had on giving her only solids when I was away and avoiding formula. The silent support and non-criticism she offered when I was unable to express sufficient milk for a feed for my daughter and was still unwilling to give her formula...

My daughter starting talking really early and this slowly became a slight embarassment for me with respect to feeding. She would tell me clearly, let's go to the room, I want 'amma te paal'! Then I convinced her that this should be a secret between us and she started pointing to the room and speaking in a hushed whisper (stage whisper though!), saying 'Ragasiyam, yaar kitayum solla kudadhu, come, let's go!'.

The last couple of nights have been tough, especially so yesterday because she asked me why I wouldn't feed her. She kept telling me that the milk tasted very nice and she liked feeding and asked me why I wouldn't feed her. We managed to get through with a lot of cuddling and distraction and I hope that it's going to work. But at the same time, it makes me a little sad.

Inclusivity - An Elusive Concept

2011-11-10T11:10:00.002+05:30

Have you heard of the term inclusivity? Do you know what it means? We are trying to start a women's forum in my company and our aim is to bring as women-inclusive a work culture as possible.

According to a quick google search i did, this is the definition of inclusivity:
"(Social Welfare) (Sociology) (Government, Politics & Diplomacy) the fact or policy of not excluding members or participants on the grounds of gender, race, class, sexuality, disability, etc." How does this apply to a work culture? It means that at work, you cannot be passed over for a promotion as a woman, just because your boss feels you are more likely to get married soon, have a child soon, or are pregnant or already have a young child. This is the big picture. But there are also tinier details where inclusivity comes in. Like the cases where your team decides to go for a team dinner. Most women I know cannot stay the whole stretch of time required for a team dinner. Transport and safety issues in India ensure that they need to complete the dinner by 9 PM while the rest of the team stays back for another couple of hours and enjoys each other's company. Just by being female, you are excluded from this team building exercise.

Inclusivity implies an understanding of each other's differences and building a work culture that thrives on this understanding. What other common scenarios can you think of where inclusivity is required?

Such a rainy day!

2011-11-04T11:22:00.002+05:30

It's been raining cats and dogs since morning today. It is almost a month since Samyuktha started going to playschool. But she has probably only attended close to 2 weeks of school because of the leaves for Dussera and Diwali.

The first two weeks were a nightmare... She used to cry from the time she woke up and would refuse to do every single chore - starting with going to the bathroom, brushing her teeth and taking a bath. Because she somehow used to realise that each of these chores brought her closer to going to school. We stuck with it only because of the 'senior' parents around us - everyone advised that this was a normal thing and it would be absolutely wrong to give into the child and allow her to take a day off. I had my doubts about this approach but we still followed it and now it seems to have paid off. She still cries a little when she realizes she has to go to school, but once we get there, she walks off without looking back. Yesterday she told me that i should go to work and she would walk down the driveway to the school by herself. She actually told me to open the gate and go :-). I hope that we have reached a turning point.

I only hope that twenty years later, some clever researcher does not come out with a paper on how young children are traumatized due to this approach of leaving them in playschool at 2 years!! You never know, with parenting, things which seem good today are always seen in a bad light tomorrow.

Passport to a healthy pregnancy

2011-10-31T11:56:00.002+05:30

I've been pregnant twice before. The first time I conceived after a year and 2 months of trying for a child. I was delirously happy and looking forward to my child as soon as I saw the faintest of pink lines on my home pregnancy test.

We were staying alone in Bangalore then, just the spouse and I and I didn't believe in taking it easy during the early days of a pregnancy. I continued to do all my household tasks, travelled by two wheeler and auto just as I used to before and continued to go to work at my highly stressful job.

The thought of a miscarriage happening to me never even crossed my mind. The doctor didn't confirm my pregancy when I made my first visit. They wanted to see doubling Beta HCG numbers, heartbeat on the scan before they could declare my pregnancy 'viable'. 'Viable' - this was the first time I had thought that my pregnancy could actually be non-viable. Anyway to cut a long story short, I miscarried at just over 6 weeks on Aug 3 2008. It was a nightmarish experience and no matter what anyone tells you - it is still the loss of a potential child. A child that you had already conjured in your dreams when you realized you were pregnant. Your heart does not care if it was only 6 weeks - to me it was the culmination of a longheld dream and the dream was shattered.

I was asked to avoid pregnancy for three months following my miscarriage. Every single day of these three months, I shed tears for my lost unborn baby. I would be in control of myself through most of the day, only to lose it at the end. I was asked by family to visit a Krishna temple and hold the idol of the baby Krishna in my arms, in prayer that I would soon be blessed with a live baby. I hated every minute of the temple visit. People told me that God didn't want me to carry that particular pregnancy to term because there was probably something wrong with the fetus. To me these words were not consolation but nails raking on my bare wounds.

After the three months, I was fortunate enough to concieve immediately. How was I supposed to not treat myself as an invalid? I questioned every step I had taken in my previous pregnancy, every drink of coffee, every auto ride, every two wheeler ride, every stressful project call. I took it easy during my second pregnancy - I was on 'bed' rest, working from home for the first trimester. I didn't do much household chores though I went on my daily walks. I wiped every time i went to the toilet, suspecting that my lack of morning sickness meant i was going to miscarry any day. During my first scan I was rigid on the narrow bed, anxious to know if there was a 'viable' fetus in me. This state of nerves and anxiety continued well until my second trimester, when i finally gained the confidence to know that things might go well this time.

It is very easy to tell a pregnant woman that things will go well for her, that she's not an invalid. It is also more important to remember the personal experiences that colour each of our lives and tint the glasses we see our world with. The most important passport I can think of for a healthy pregnancy is to stay tuned to your bodies. Eat when you are hungry, eat good nutritious food, take rest when your body asks you to, don't ignore your body's signals. Don't spend all your time researching for information on labor and delivery and the symptoms that you are supposed to feel week after week. Take each day at a time and live in the moment. Enjoy your pregnancy for what it is at that moment - a fresh glowing promise of a new life.

Updates...

2011-10-18T12:12:00.000+05:30

Too many precious things have been happening lately and I feel overwhelmed as well as blessed!Samyuktha turned 2 on 6-Oct-11 - we had a small party for about 30 people in our apartment.I made 2 birthday cakes from here and they turned out wonderful. Received a lot of praises from all who tasted the cake... My sis-in-law made extremely tasty cutlets and we bought fried potato smiles from a neighbourhood place...I think that Sammu had a lot of fun that day because she keeps asking when her birthday will come again.
6-Oct-11 was also Vijayadasami and the day of Sammu's Vidyarambham. She joined Zoom Kids, a small playschool in our locality that day. I was really impressed with the way the teacher (owner as well) of the school spoke when we visited there for admissions and we made our choice instantly that this was going to be Sammu's school. The week since 6-Oct-11 has been not so great for Sammu, she gets ready to school all right but is cranky there and wants us to sit by her side all the time. Today was the first day we dropped her at school and just left... I spoke to her teacher just now and came to know that she cried for about 10 minutes and vomitted all her breakfast! She was so shocked at vomitting that she then kept quiet and started to play shortly after.
I have also made another discovery last Friday - I don't know if it's going to last. Will make updates on that later.

So many things to say...

2011-09-28T11:00:00.002+05:30

My little girl is going to turn 2 in a week's time :-)
I can't believe how many new things she keeps learning and saying!!!

The last weekend, she threw a tantrum and insisted that we visit her father at the swimming pool. We went there and she surprised all of us by going gamely into the baby swimming pool with a tube around her, kicking and paddling and somehow propelling her way around the baby pool!!

Yesterday was the beginning of Navarathri and we have kept Kolu at home.
Sammu has a Kolu all to herself, one at our home and one at my mother's. A small set of 3 steps with dolls that she likes - mostly animals, vegetable vendors, fruits etc!!

Ok i really have to go now.. just wanted to get this quick update on the blog.

Turning 29

2011-05-23T12:01:00.002+05:30

I will not start of by saying how long it is since i last blogged. I know it's been too long. It's been too long since i did the things that I genuinely liked.

I turned 29 yesterday and received sweet thoughtful gifts from my mother, sister and my husband. My sister's wedding is in 10 days time and things are very tensed at home because of the financial and emotional pressures this brings. All the pressure has only served to highlight how lucky i was to find Rajesh. Arranged marriage it might have been, but it is sheer luck and God's grace that i found this guy. My pillar of strength in all trying times, my rock of stability in all the turbulence that's happening. Thank you for being all of that.

I am making several resolutions that I intend to keep this 30th year of my life - I will attempt to renew and maintain my friendships and acquaintances. I will revive lost friendships and relations. Even if i post only next year, I am sure that these are two things that i am going to give a real shot. I have realized that in life, it's truly the people around you who matter and it's important to keep in touch with the people that you love and who love you. I am going to stop running away from them during times that i actually need them.

A growing vocabulary

2010-11-01T11:53:00.000+05:30

appa amma thatha aa-ati akka anna -thai -ithi chitha (for chithappa) bow-bow pa paa-pa kaa-ka -dy (for teddy) main (with arms flung up - for plane) bubbizh (for bubble) thaaar (for shark) ka-ai (for vegetables) -tha (for theetha 'water') mum-mum (for food) kakka (for poo) poooooo (for 'poo' flowers) brrrrr (for cars, buses, autos, bikes), caa- (for car), aa-nai (for elephant), naaaaai (for dog), baa (for ball)

My most favourite fictional heroes

2010-08-06T10:55:00.004+05:30

I'm taking up this tag from a blog i read: http://thirtysixandcounting.wordpress.com/

It's so much fun to think about all the fictional heroes that i've fallen for and list them down here:

1. Fitzwilliam Darcy - this man would figure on most women's top 10 list - his arrogance, the way he protects his sister, his unseen kindness and the way he hides how he feels about Elizabeth - what more could you want.

2. Rhett Butler - Arrogance and charm take the cake again. Is there something wrong with me - that I like arrogance so much?

3. Hank Rearden - Arrogance again - this character from Atlas Shrugged is not its hero, but it's him you fall for in the end.. not Galt or Francisco.

4. Superman - Do i really need to list the reasons? Spiderman never really did it for me because he became too human in Spiderman 2. Superheroes should remain what they are - super heroes. No?

5. Aragorn, son of Arathorn - A lost inheritance, the heir of a long line of kings, descended from men who were once immortal, sigh....

6. Frank Hardy - the elder of the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew's interest whenever the two sets of characters were combined in one story.

I can't believe I couldn't get to 10 characters. I think that lately I've read so much chick lit and so little of the kind of fiction you read and always remember that I don't remember any other characters. Let me take this tag up after a week and tell you if I remember anything else!

Babble and bubble

2010-06-15T10:46:00.004+05:30

The last weekend was an important weekend for me. We had planned to go to Raja Mannarkudu to visit the Rajagopalaswamy temple there and offer Sammu prasadam as her first Annaprasanam. The plan was executed beautifully. Thanks to my father-in-law's current job, we were received at the temple with a lot of care and things rolled out in a very smooth fashion.

Sammu was supposed to have had her first taste of rice here, but the prasadam offered was 'sheera' which is what we call rava kesari when it is made in a temple as prasadam. She ate up the sheera eagerly :-)

We also visited the Garbarakshambigai temple in Thirukarugavur and put Sammu in the 'thanga thottil' which was there. I had prayed to this Goddess for a healthy pregnancy and safe delivery. Thanks to her, both happened. Sammu wailed all the while in the cradle - we had to put her in the cradle and take her around the temple and she didn't like it one bit. She tried to stand in the cradle and held out her arms to us, all the while crying piteously.

Sammu also achieved lots of other milestones over the weekend.. she started babbling on Friday.. Upp-pah was her first word :-) Strangely i do not begrudge R this... that Up-Pah is her first word as opposed to Um-mma...

She started saying Um-mma as well the next day.. so now she keeps saying paa-paa or up-paa or maa-amm-mma... you get the picture..

It feels great to hear her call me Umm-maa... It's almost an anticlimax though.. that this word comes almost 8 months after you accept motherhood...

Must eat, Must try, Must everything!

2010-06-04T12:53:00.001+05:30

I've never bookmarked recipes in my blog, but this one is just amazing:

http://eatanddust.wordpress.com/2009/05/13/chana-bhatura-at-sita-ram-diwan-chand/

I can almost taste the channa batura (maybe the fact that it's near dinner time has something to do with it :-)

I have got to try making this at home!!!

Birth Stories

2010-05-27T11:47:00.002+05:30

I've been reading birth stories this morning... and I just realized how gripping they can be. They took me back to my own labor time... and when I finished reading, I was surprised to find myself at work.. with people going about their routine tasks around me. The feeling was totally surreal. This is why I love reading.. Being absorbed in a good story works magic like nothing else.

I must make a small confession here - I love reading in the bath... and now when I manage to do it for a few minutes... it's a real pleasure. A guilty pleasure because for those few minutes, I forget the whole world outside, including my little daughter who is so dependent on me. I'm reading a book that promises a lot now - it's called 'Gently falls the bakula' by Sudha Murty.

Ok got to go now... must do some work for the pay i receive ;-)

28 years 2 days ago

2010-05-24T10:47:00.002+05:30

I turned 28 years old the day before yesterday. It made me wonder of how the twenties have been my most happening decade. I found my best friends, my husband and became a mother in my twenties. I've found a career and financial independence. Hmmmmm.. so much left undone :-) but still some important stuff done :-)

Dancing the night way

2010-05-24T10:36:00.003+05:30

The last weekend was a whirlwind of feverish activity... as most of my weekends are. R's cousin was getting married and my in-laws arrived early on Saturday morning. They had brunch and left in mid-morning around 11 to the mandap to stay there for the wedding and return on Monday afternoon.

Every one was eager to see Sammu. But Sammu's fear of strangers held strong and she wailed inconsolably if anybody other than her mother and father dared to lay a finger on her. She had beetroot this weekend.. That was the newest addition to her growing repertoire of foods. We pressure-cooked the beetroot (grated) with some moong dal and then mashed the whole thing up to a thick creamy (little lumpy) consistency.

Last night was the wedding reception. R is quite the dancer and has quite a name for dancing at all relatives' weddings. R's cousin requested that he dance yesterday as well. So he did - to some music played on violins and mridangams!!!! R made me dance as well.. he just held me and moved my limbs - I was as usual two left legged. Then was the best dance of all... R danced with Sammu.. he held her in his arms and swung her to the music. She was so happy and was dimpled and smiling all through the proceedings. R's cousin A has also had a son recently (he's all of 4 months old) and A also danced with his son. It was a very happy moment. I was so proud of my daughter. She looked so beautiful and happy! :-)

Lifestyle Diseases

2010-05-20T11:04:00.003+05:30

We received a rude shock at work in the past one week. There was a health camp conducted at my company where they did a battery of blood tests, measured blood pressure, height, weight etc.

R and I work for the same company. To our utter disappointment, R has now been diagnosed with mild hypertension. We visited a cardiologist yesterday and did a proper evaluation. He is to begin medication starting with only half a tablet. But still... hypertension is not something he or I had associated with his age. We always imagined that it would take more than a dozen gray hairs before he or I would develop this sort of a problem.

But that's not just all... A number of R's peers have been diagnosed with such problems as well, mild hypertension, borderline sugar problems - many of them are well on their way to developing lifestyle diseases which means they may need to take medication or control their diets for the rest of their lifetime.

What does this mean? Is the quality of our life so poor that we develop such diseases at such an early age? My grandmother wasn't diabetic until I was 12 or 13 years old. My mother is a diabetic now - when my daughter is just 7 months old. And my grandparents did not have hypertension - my still surviving lone grandmother still doesn't have it. But my daughter has a parent with hypertension - mild or not.

I read a lot of books, but i generally dismiss the books that talk about slowing down, taking life easy... But maybe there's some truth in it? I always think of people talking about poor health in IT as doing stereotyping and being cliched... but is there something to it after all?

Isn't it time to rethink the weird work life balances we have in IT? Why isn't there a union for IT workers? I think the industry has matured in so many different ways. Isn't it time for this kind of a maturity as well?

Ok time to go back to work... Needed to say all this somewhere and what's better than here...

My birth story

2010-05-13T16:55:00.002+05:30

Shouldn't this be called Sammu's birth story? Well anyway, I thought i should write this down at least 7 months after the event :-). Just so I don't have different expectations next time (if there is a next time!)

I was on leave from 21-Sep-09, eagerly anticipating (or so I thought at the time) Sammu's birth... I couldn't wait for her to be born, to actually hold and cuddle a newborn baby seemed so unreal. And it felt as if the pregnancy would never end. I was so tired of hauling my huge self everywhere, even sitting down and getting up seemed like an excercise by itself. I fully expected pains to appear all of a sudden each night and imagined myself on the way to hospital screaming and holding my husband for support in the middle of the night! I could never have imagined that what would happen would actually be so mundane.

It was early evening on 2-Oct-09. I started to feel that I was having mild pains on the left side of my stomach, not dissimilar to what i generally get during ovulation time. Note the phrase, 'started to feel'. I wasn't really sure of how i felt and I couldn't be sure that I wasn't making the pains up. I am very imaginative, especially when it comes to inventing bodily aches and groans.

As it was a Saturday evening, R was also at home and he was very excited. He was more eager than i was to have the baby and he was also a bit scared for me
and how i would come through all of this. He suggested going to the hospital, if i was sure I was in labor. I wasn't so sure. I suggested that we wait a while.

That night I ate a light meal (just in case :;-)) and we decided to wait and see. Around 12ish, I thought i felt the pains increasing (notice: 'thought'). R had already spoken with a call driver to come in at a short notice, so we could go by our car to the hospital. R was not yet sure he could drive then - so we were still using a regular driver and call drivers for other times. By 1 AM i was convinced that the pains were getting stronger and that I needed to get to the hospital, fast.

R immediately got the call driver in and we were all ready and set to go to the hospital by 3 AM. I even got my sis V to take photos of me before the delivery. Now is the right time for you to ask this question: 'If you were really in labor, would you be able to think of taking photos?' We reached the hospital in less than 15 minutes. It was not at all what i pictured happening, except for the fact that it happened in the middle of the night. I remember thinking that I was so calm - how calmly i was bearing my pain :-) This must be what motherhood is all about- bearing pain stoically and silently. We reached the hospital's triage area. There was an attending nurse and doctor. The doctor started to note all my details down, giving me a glare when i said i had 'PCOS', 'Say Polcystic Ovary Syndrome - don't use short forms', she berated me, but not unkindly. The nurse took one look at me and said, she is not in any hurry to deliver. She doesn't seem to be having more than the mildest of pains. If she did, then she would not look like this!!! This was my introduction to the pain that's expected during delivery. The duty doctor examined me. To me, this is the most painful part of delivery. The examination -
ugh.. few things have ever felt so uncomfortable to me. She said that i was maybe dilated a tiny inch and not much more.

They called up my doctor, who immediately advised that i be admitted, although I was only in early labor. My doctor's not one to take many chances. She decided to admit me even though the whole world felt i was not in active labor yet.

Part 2 will follow tomorrow. I can't write so much in a single day!!! And as you will learn, it's a long long way to go before you meet Sammu!

A word cloud

2010-05-07T11:12:00.002+05:30

From wordle

A Super Dad Day

2010-05-06T10:24:00.003+05:30

I realize that in all of these posts, I have never once mentioned my husband. I've mentioned before that i felt like a super mom for making breakfast and lunch and making it to work on time. But really, I would be unable to do any of this if not for the support provided by my husband and my mom.

He lets me relax the whole evening. I play with the baby and feed her on demand the whole evening. I often don't lift even a tiny finger to help with dinner or the cleaning up afterward. He also cleans all the baby's bottles and cups, my breast pump parts and sterilizes them at night. If baby seems too cranky or does not allow me to put her down and eat.. he even feeds me dinner!!!

I'm trying to make the mornings his time with baby. He takes care of her the whole time while I cook and keeps her amused and happy. I am a cribber by nature, i crib when things work, i crib when things don't. He listens to all my crap with a patient look and tries to solve whatever things he can. Even today, i can't believe the luck that joined my life with his :-)

He's a Super Dad and a Super Super Husband !!

Sitting Sammu

2010-05-05T15:01:00.002+05:30

Sammu has started to sit up by herself now. It's funny how she sits up - she first 'almost' rolls over but not quite, she holds herself on her side and then rests that hand on the surface firmly, with the other hand she manages to pull and sort of push herself up. For just a few seconds, she looks like she will fall down, but then she straightens her hand (the one that's resting) again and sits up firmly, pressing her bum and thighs to the floor :-)

Now she refuses to lie down even for nappy or diaper changes. We would need to put the diaper on when she's sitting or more conveniently when she's standing. She also pulls herself (rarely) into a standing position.

She had a bit of sweet potato today and rejected it. Need to try it again soon but for now, I'm more keen to try her on some juice.

A near perfect day

2010-04-28T14:19:00.002+05:30

I was a true super woman today. I woke up at 6 30, made breakfast and lunch, fed the baby twice and managed to get to work by 10 AM :-)

I've also managed to go home for lunch and come back to work in one hour - there it is, the move to kk nagar is now justified...

Sammu was also extremely co-operative today, she was awake when i went home for lunch and managed to finish her feed within 15 minutes... V is home today due to a fever and she is keeping Sammu happy and entertained.

I'm still wondering where we could go to for our third wedding anniversary this year. I want a place that's a short roadtrip away, where i can take Sammu and one that isn't too expensive. Also wondering if we will actually go to Singapore at the end of this year...

Too many thoughts about too many things, i need to empty my head before i get to work...

There's always a first time

2010-04-27T10:02:00.001+05:30

Before I forget to record the many firsts... :-)
My daughter rolled over when she was almost 4 and a half months old on Feb-16 2010. There was a first-first roll over on Jan-26 2010 but it turned out to be a false alarm. By that i mean that although she turned over by herself on Jan-26, she forgot how to do it and lost interest :-D. It took her almost another month to start doing it again.

She has started trying to sit up by herself. She rolls to her side, rests on that elbow and tries to push herself up into a sitting position, much like the way we are asked to get into a sitting position when pregnant. She's done it twice so far since 25-Apr but always with a little bit of help from me. I'm waiting for when she will do it by herself. The smaller milestones are coming thick and fast now, she picks up objects, throws them down, bangs them on the floor. She has even learnt to pick up two objects at the same time. She also babbles a bit and says ga-goo type of sounds. She also looks admiringly at her own wrists and watches her own hands with endless fascination turning them over this way and then the other. So now, she waves bye-bye inconsistently when you say bye to her. She imitates the action, without knowing what it means.

As for solid food, her first food was Cerelac Wheat. Since then she has had puzhungarizi kanji with pottu kadalai and first bites rice and dal cereal - both of which she dislikes earnestly. She likes her manna ragi kanji much better (sweetened with just a bit of sugar) and also cerelac wheat with apple flavor. She has also had a mashed mix of moong dal and potato with a bit of carrot as well. Also a bit of banana and apple puree. I'm hoping to start her on some juice next, with summer coming in, she needs fluids in all the various forms she can get them!!!!

Ok i've got to go now.. will try to write up more interesting posts later.. but for now, this information seems most interesting to me ;-)

It's a wonderful life

2010-04-26T14:55:00.002+05:30

I realized what people really mean when they say time flies when you have a baby. Every week she does something new and changes in a small way. I sometimes wonder about how much we have stagnated, how much less we appreciate life and how many things we take for granted about the human body.

Looking at the wonder on my daughter's face when I make strange sounds and faces, when i blow a soap bubble, when she sees a bus for the first time - it's a great feeling, she makes you realize how extraordinary the most ordinary things are.

Since yesterday, she's been trying to sit up. She sat up with almost no support from me... and there was such a look of acheivement on her face. And she didn't rest her cute bottom on that achievement either - she immediately wanted to stand up :-). My sis V and I had so much fun watching her try to sit up again and again.

One of my pet peeves is how the whole world joins together to make a mother feel guilty. From the smallest things, like getting a tshirt caught over your baby's head, to a mom who decides to work (or not) - we are always judged for the things that we choose to do (or not) for our children. I had been gifted a baby sling by one of my colleagues at work. It was given to me when she was not yet 2 months old but it's only now, when she is six and a half months old that I worked up the nerve to try it. I went grocery shopping with my baby and I 'wore' her when i did this. I recommend a baby sling to anyone who wants hands free when carrying the baby. It's very convenient, baby loves it and you can get a lot of work done. And yet, I had to listen to a shopping attender comment to me - 'Are you sure that the straps are not cutting into baby's thighs?' . She must have thought to herself 'Look at this lady, she can't even carry the baby. Women these days, they have too much money and independence and they don't care what happens to their children.'

What do you think... Am i over analyzing her statement or did you over analyze me (just like i did) and decide that I probably have some guilt about leaving my child and going to work :-) ?

Cling

2010-04-22T12:34:00.001+05:30

Cling - I'd never thought too much of this word before. Truthfully, I've thought more about bling and "Singh is King". Ok, i'll stop the bad jokes.

I'm trying to write about how my daughter now clings to her father and me. She would like us to always be in her line of vision and never disappear. Apparently this is another development milestone, one she must go through before she realizes that things that do not exist in front of her eyes still exist in the world. This is a crucial concept called object permanence that she must learn. All the 'kannum idho' games and the 'peekaboo' games that are played with babies are to help them learn this concept.

Last night was another typical night. My daughter slept at about 10 pm but she refused to be put down on the bed to sleep and insisted that i hold her in my lap. I tried putting her down several times, but in vain. I finally did what i always do - gave up and slept in a sitting position, leaning against the wall, with her in my lap. It was about 3 or 4 am.. really who can tell the difference between 3 am and 4 am at that ghastly hour, when i could finally put her down and lie down next to her.

Baby Center says this is one of the things that should make me happy for being a parent, at 3 am in the night i should be thinking that there are moms across the world who are sitting up with their babies. :-) At 3 am, I am barely aware of the baby in my arms, how do i summon up the energy to think about the rest of the world!!!???

Time Flies

2010-04-15T11:10:00.003+05:30

It's been a long while since I blogged and yes, I know that I always begin my once in a while posts with this sentence and a resolution to make regular updates but I'm hoping this time will be different.

There've been a lot of changes in my life since the last post - I've moved jobs and cities. I've become a mother. And it's difficult to describe how fully life has changed since my little girl arrived.

Over the last year and a half, there have been many times when I felt an urgent need to blog - because I felt that if i didn't record a particular moment right then, the moment would be lost forever. Many such moments have now passed, but some memories remain as vivid as ever. And I hope to think about those and blog them soon enough.

To end this is a picture of my little girl.

On the tight-rope

2008-10-16T13:25:00.000+05:30

Not whole, I'm a piece
Seeking asylum and peace
This delicate balance wears me down
Makes me all-the-time wear a frown

I leave home rushing to work
Leave office to rush home
Feel guilty when I leave work
Feel guilty when I leave home

More and more demands on me
Do you not see
This is the limit
I'm being torn apart

I cook and I clean
Striving to get my mother's sheen
And still I spot that stain
And it gives me a lot of pain

Relax, it'll happen
You really should be home by seven
Stress can cause this
It's not something you should ever miss

The team comes first
Your family comes first
And where do I come?
For me there's no room

Wolf Totem

2008-10-08T13:21:00.000+05:30

Wolf Totem - The name was so fascinating that I just had to pick the book up. When I read the writing on the back cover of the book, I hesitated - it did not seem to be so unusual after all. Finally I decided that I would read the book. I need something that was a bit heavy and something that would take a while to read.
This book is a translation from a recent Chinese bestseller. And when you read the book - this fact becomes more obvious. Awkward prose and grammar, inadequate descriptions and metaphors that don't fit into English - all of these are part of this book. And yet, when you read the book - it stays with you for a long time.
The story is about a few Chinese students, sent to the Mongolian wilderness, during Mao Tsetung's most active time - a time when communism ruled China in spirit as well as in name. Chinese communism is shown to defy all of the traditions of the past, all of the wisdom that was part of ancient Chinese as well as Mongolian civilization. The students grapple with conflicting idealogies and come to choose Mongolian wisdom over Modern Chinese philosophy. But meanwhile the Mongolian grassland and the awe-inspiring ecology it supports is destroyed.
There is a common theme woven through the entire script - that balance is found in natural ways. It is now modern to protest any disaster or natural calamity; right from a miscarriage to a earthquake and to think of ways in which these disasters can be prevented. But perhaps such things happen merely to set the balance in nature right and to preserve the world in it's current state.

Did you know that wolves do not kill all of their prey? Through spring and through winter, they allow some prey to escape so they will have food to eat later.
And yet today we level grasslands and forest; kill plant and animal life and expect the world's weather and climate to go on as before. We are beset with new diseases; caused by pesticides and pollution and the faster pace of our lives today. If we would only learn to let some things go perhaps we would be better off.

Read the book - it stays with you and makes you think.

Mortality Pays a Visit

2008-04-09T12:51:00.002+05:30

This is again with reference to my previous post. About living life each day as if that day would be the last. Can we ever imagine living life as if it were the last day? Can we imagine truly that we might not be alive the very next day? I think we can try but never be able to fully grasp this. I believe that we go through each day we live because we imagine that we may live forever. Not just us but our loved ones.

I have been paid a visit by mortality. I have learnt today what it really means to imagine that you or a loved one may not live tomorrow. One of my sister's friends learnt that her husband has brain tumour. And of course it has to be a malignant brain tumour. There were not too many symptoms except that he used to get headaches once in a while. Since he was used to getting migraine headaches, he imagined that this would also be one of them. He suddenly collapsed one day and has now found that he has brain tumour. Imagine what he must be going through. He has a very young family. A little girl and a boy... both under 10 years of age. This news particularly struck home as I lost my father at a very early age. I was five when he passed away. I know how life-changing this kind of a disaster can be.
I have now made a fresh resolution to not complain too much about the day to day problems that I face. This kind of an event does put things into perspective.

Please pray for my sister's friend - Alka. I'm hoping their little family will be able to cope with all the challenges that this illness has brought to them.

Carpe Diem

2008-04-04T11:22:00.001+05:30

To live each day as if it were your last. Easily said, isn't it? Do you really think about it? what would you do if this day were your last? I thought about it and came to the depressing conclusion that I would definitely not want to go to work on my last day. Does that mean I'm in the wrong job? Following your dreams and chasing your goals is all fine, but could I really quit my job in search of something far less tangible? A far-off glimmering mirage? I don't think so. But I do think that if I don't like my job, then there are things I can do to better my day. Like for instance, beginning to blog again. Blogging helps me believe that I too am a writer. And this is definitely something I want to take to my last day. What other things would I want to do? I would want to spend the day with my mom, my husband and my sister. What else? I would not want a single last day... I would want a whole month, maybe a few years worth of last days... I would want to travel and find new things every single day, speak multiple languages with flair and ease, play some sport, learn to dance.

Hmmmmmm.

Hmmm...

2008-03-31T18:00:00.000+05:30

Two things that have deeply affected me in the past week:1. Monday's headline news in the Times of India regarding the husband who murdered his wife after suspecting that she had an affair with a colleague at work. This was very disturbing because i could relate to the people involved in the murder. They were newly married - less than a year since the wedding. He was a software engineer. She was working in a bank. Parents were away in another city. They were staying alone in Koramangala. She'd been coming home late for some time and I don't know if she actually had an affair or not. But the fact that he decided to murder her over it was something I could just not accept. So scary!!! Does this kind of thing actually happen in real life? Apparently it does. FACT IS STRANGER THAN FICTION.
2. The tamil movie Anjaathe. What a scary movie. The modus operandi followed to kidnap the girls was eerily believable. No dramatics. And the villain of the movie - Prasanna has essayed an extremely convincing role. His perverted activities, the way he held the mirror beneath the door to watch the heroine change clothes!!! It gives me goosebumps and scares me.. a hell of a lot!

Tagged!!

2007-08-06T17:25:00.000+05:30

Lipstick tagged me!! So here goes - 8 random facts about myself:
1. I have wanted to be tagged for a very long time and often regretted the fact that so few of my friends were part of the blogosphere!!
2. I have very oddly shaped fingers - a person looking at them suddenly could not be blamed for thinking they were the hands of a sick person.
3. I love playing Devil's advocate - it doesn't matter on most issues which side i'm on!
4. Although I loved the book 'To kill a MockingBird' - I couldn't understand why it is considered a novel of such great importance.
5. I absolutely have to have pickle with my curd rice - can't live without it.
6. I used to be scared to sleep in the afternoon as a child because people would do things without me and I would feel left out when i woke up!
7. I have never liked maths and I believe IT has never liked me...
8. I hate that I'm kind of a hypocrite at times, saying one thing and knowing and believing that it was not quite true.

Let me pass the tag:

Vidya
Satish
Lakshmi
Deepika

Better Late than never.. !

2007-07-30T13:18:00.000+05:30

Hello people.. !

I'm back...!!!!

Check out this review:
http://happinessisastateofmind.blogspot.com/2007/07/happy-potter-and-alls-well-that-ends.html

It echoes my feelings about the book almost exactly. And Radhika's thought of quite a few things I hadn't thought to question...

Magic

2007-04-10T21:45:00.000+05:30

Because some plateaus are magical.

Moonlight and Shadows

2007-04-10T21:37:00.000+05:30

Did you see those shadows in the moonlight?
They blended and merged...
And then disappeared.

Looking into a distant mirror.

2007-04-04T22:44:00.000+05:30

"Into the dream you came

And across the soft carpet of my reverie you walked

With hobnail boots ..."

Quoted from Linda Goodman's Sun Signs

Choices we make....

2007-04-04T22:33:00.000+05:30

Every move, every minute, every second...
Is a choice you make.

Don't keep those illusions alive,
Nothing happened on it's own.

A bicycle that's ridden by two,
If destiny rides on one pedal,
Your feet ride the other.

Watch that road you're on.

Why I reach out to you..

2007-04-04T22:27:00.000+05:30

We take strange things for granted. My blog for instance. But very few things can take being granted so much in stride and still be there for you within reaching distance. Thank you for being there.

To who i thought i knew

2007-04-02T22:51:00.000+05:30

Fool's day was yesterday. You cannot make a fool of me anymore.

To write each day

2007-04-02T22:48:00.000+05:30

I cannot promise that i will be here each day
But I will not stay so far away
You knew I would come back today.

Didn't you, Monday?

Tuesday to Monday.

Black is bold

2007-04-02T22:41:00.000+05:30

I need to grow up
I need to face facts
I need to be strong
I need to be myself.

I need to be black...
From today...

When you think you know someone... .

2007-04-02T22:28:00.000+05:30

People can surprise you...
When you think you know someone..
and it turns out you don't...
but you thought you did.

Remember it hurts.

I thought I knew you.

You Belong to Me

2007-01-18T20:32:00.000+05:30

Spooky?? Haunting?? Or just sad and sweet?

--------------------------------------------------
You Belong to Me

See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sun rise
From the tropic isle
Just remember darling
All the while
You belong to me

See the market place
In old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember
When a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

--------------------------------------------------

POST-IT

2007-01-10T17:41:00.000+05:30

---------------------------------------------
i hate hanging up...
i hate the silence that lingers on...
i hate the echoes it leaves in my heart...

it's as if something's been torn away from you
and no matter how long the goodbye has been
it was still too short...

a deep sigh..
a lump in your throat...
you were being held so warm...
when did it become so cold?

----------------------------------------------

2007-01-06T08:40:00.000+05:30

An update after so long:

I haven't been able to blog in such a long while. Too many reasons why Ididn't. I haven't had the time. I haven't had net access. Too manythings were flying round in my head and I was scared that I would know what they were if I wrote them down. First things first - HAPPY NEW YEAR - as we now say it here -あけましてのおめでとうございます. Yes, you guessed right.

I am back in Japan. And this time again, it is so different from the last couple of times I was here. The last time I was here, I was completely entranced by Japan. It was a full fledged love affair right from day one. The language, the people, the malls, the temples. And this time again, it's different. I would never want to settle down here. It's so cold for one thing. I don't think I could ever get used to being this cold. And there's a lot to be said for the comforts of life in India. Come out of work, or finish shopping. Catch an auto, get dropped right in front of home. Go home from work to a nice hot dinner that amma has made. Wake up to the smell of coffee and a fresh newspaper. And last but certainly not the least of all - stay close to to everyone you love.Hmmmm - Ok enough. That is too much nostalgia. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about a book I recently read. Lisey's Story - By Stephen King. This is Stephen King's latest offering and maybe it's because of themood I am in right now - the book made a wonderful read. It's not fastpaced, not terribly thrilling. But it frightens in places and makes you laugh in many. You laugh and cry with Lisey as she rediscovers her husband's life.This is a short post after being away for so long. But what can I say - Iwant to post it before I start feeling I don't have enough to say and delete it.

Seeing the Sea...

2006-10-29T21:17:00.000+05:30

A plateau where a summit should be...
A plateau where an abyss could be...

Mirage-like in the distant horizon.
Just beyond the bend.
Almost there now.

Creative Ads from all round the world!

2006-10-16T21:36:00.000+05:30

Found this in Mari's blog today

Cool ads!!! And there were two from India... one from our own Eatalica in Chennai.

http://www.eglobe1.com/index.php/2006/10/16/creative-advertisements-around-the-world/

And this is pretty funny too!! Again from Mari...

wiki's better half!
http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

I'm going to read Virginia Woolf...

2006-10-14T22:04:00.000+05:30

I saw (The) Hours yesterday. Some blogger (I forget who...) had claimed that this movie was the best movie he/she had seen. So with a lot of expectation, i finally saw the movie yesterday.

How did I like the movie?? Uhmmmm... I don't really know. I didn't understand much of it. But the concept was awesome. It brought together three women living in different ages with a book "Mrs Dalloway". One of the women in the story was the writer of the book - which brings me to the title of this post - Virginia Woolf. The other two women were deeply influenced by her book and her life.

The movie deals with suicide and life and death and when one becomes meaningless and lets the other swallow it up. Suicide is not something i relate to. Even in my worst depressions i have always wanted to live. But does it require courage or is it cowardice? Is it always better to choose life over death?

There's something that I've noticed - when you start liking or noticing or thinking about something - it suddenly seems to be all over the place. Was it always there? Or did you bring it in because you started thinking of it? I watched The Hours and the next day I started reading a book - unconsciously. This book also seems to be about suicide but i don't know for sure - since i've only begun reading it - It's called "Veronika Decides to Die".

Alright... enough diggression - back to the title of this post. Virginia Woolf is a famous writer from the time between the 2 world wars the 1920's and the 1930's i suppose. I've heard of her before - that she was a feminist and that she was a great writer. But i've never read her. The Hours has made me realize i've missed something.

I'm going to start by reading more about her... here

Gushing to meet you...

2006-10-09T21:58:00.000+05:30

To be is to be with you.
- A river rushing to the sea.

Patience and Impatience

2006-10-09T18:39:00.000+05:30

How can there be so much of a perceptible difference in just the change of an angle... :-)
There are two images below...
One is supposed to be Patience and the other her twin - Impatience
Guess who's who!!

P.S. Why is it so easy???

Chinna Chinna Aasai

2006-10-08T23:33:00.000+05:30

A sticky post... Scroll down for the rest..

I don't think the post's name quite goes with what i'm going to write!! But anyways it's my name and my blog!

One of my friends is always complaining that most of my posts are sad and depressing. Hey! It's not depressing!! It's contemplative and intellectual.. He he.. So anyways, although i won't mention her name here, i'm sure she'll know this post is for her and for my sister. A collection of images of my favorite things!!

Here goes:

Long earrings - my new-found love!:

The woman who first made me want to write - enid blyton:

My all time favourite movie:
There's got to be some food! - Atleast at number #4!!

Next up: coffee mugs in all shapes and sizes!!

Alarm clocks in blue or yellow...!

The Sound of Music

2006-10-05T22:15:00.000+05:30

I love this movie and all of its songs... This one should be in my favourites list too.. but i decided to give it a seperate space.. After all, it's a song from this movie that has inspired my favorites' list!

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Impatience and a Wandering Mind

2006-10-04T18:15:00.000+05:30

I have too many things on my mind today. And i just need, no, want to blog something. But I'm in such a state of disorganization that I don't know what to do! So here's a collection of words that have been running wild in my mind for quite some time now:

Work, my satisfaction (or non-satisfaction) in it, my inability to keep in touch with people I care lots about - What is that keeps me away from calling them or talking to them? My inertia. I want to do so many things. But I don't. Ayn Rand's philosophy and why it makes me feel like such a loser. And why i still keep reading her books again and again. My hypocrisy. Things standing still. Like the dark waters of a lake. Can dark waters show promises of a brightening horizon?
Sleep. Since when have I needed so much of it? Why is it that though I see so many things that I need to do, I don't do them? I need to help myself out of this ditch i've fallen into!

Circumstance, Compromise and Women

2006-08-31T14:16:00.000+05:30

Do women compromise more than men do? I think so. Is this good? I think so. But this is exactly what makes us seem fickle, i guess.

So much in a woman's life is governed by circumstance and chance that perhaps somewhere along the line she learns to choose the easy way. The way to let things unfold as though they have a will of their own. A passivity and a peace that i sometimes feel men completely lack. It is this quality in women that allows us to listen to problems without offering solutions. We know that all problems need not or cannot be solved. We know that sometimes listening is all that is required.

"A conflict is a failed negotiation." - Couldn't this be interpreted to mean that a conflict is a failure to reach a compromise? Most of the conflicts in the world belong to men. It is men who start and fight wars.

What brought this line of thinking on? I was asked recently by a group of friends about my plans for the next six months. I found that i did not have a single answer. You could say i had too many answers or you could say i had none.

Does empowering women mean that they always have control of their life, their destiny? Then maybe i am not so empowered. Circumstance plays a large part in my life as well. And i find that all the terms they use in office for success 'being proactive' and 'being in control' and 'planning' do not have much effect or meaning sometimes. Sometimes you have to just flow with the course of things and relinquish 'control'. I have not yet decided if i feel comfortable about being so out of control with my life.

Such a confused jumble of thoughts. I attended a seminar given by a famous gynaecologist from Chennai recently. This was a seminar on women's health and fitness and it was organized at work. I expected that this women would be modern and liberal in her outlook. She was confident, intelligent and beautiful. Everything i aspired to be. She gave an awesome speech and was very matter of fact when talking about many issues that could have made her audience feel squeamish. She made everyone comfortable. The unmarried, the newly weds, the mothers!! And she told us that in any relationship, it should be the woman who compromises first, because she said.. we have a gift for compromise.

But like all gifts it is a gift that carries with it some bitterness. A woman's endurance and passivity are the reasons she sometimes does not act when she should. Why she bears circumstances of such cruelty and oppression that she never should. I guess we need to know where to draw the line. Erasing the line and refusing any adjustment or compromise or asking for total control is not the answer either.

There is no black or white only shades of grey. I discover this more and more each passing day.

Amadeus and Mediocrity..

2006-08-29T19:52:00.000+05:30

A few weeks back i saw this play 'Amadeus'. I'd always wanted to know more about Salieri - Salieri was Mozart's contemporary. Salieri calls himself the patron saint of mediocrity. His one ambition in life was to raise above the mediocre and be famed as the best musician and composer of his time. And he did attain fame. Atleast during his lifetime. He was the court musician for the Prussian King. However Salieri had the misfortune to be born at the same time as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The worst part was that Salieri was the only person who recognized Mozart's genius for what it was. God granted him fame - but he was not happy. He realized that he did not deserve his fame.

Salineri was haunting. He brought back to me those days where i used to feel so disappointed that talent was the only thing that ever counted. Not hard work, not attitude but sheer talent. What do i have against talent, you may ask. Nothing except the fact that it is not earned. You are simply lucky to receive a particular gift. I learnt the hard way to live with my own mediocrity. I may not be the best singer around - but i sing because i love singing. I may not be the best writer around - I write because i love writing. But the mediocrity stings. I wish like Salieri that i could have been a Mozart. Mozart in this play is shown to be completely frivolous, undisciplined and in no way a soul worthy enough to carry the gifts God bestowed on him. God plays cruel jokes on us sometimes, doesn't he. Or maybe they are funny in a way we do not yet comprehend.

Of cracks in perfection

2006-08-29T10:16:00.000+05:30

Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.

--Leonard Cohen

Understanding my own hyprocisy...

2006-07-26T10:46:00.000+05:30

I just did something which i don't think i'll ever understand.. and just at that moment i got this from a friend...

Coincidence.. ? perhaps...

Finding God

2006-07-08T22:49:00.000+05:30

I found this really nice site during my browsing. They have a large collection of audio poetry and poems collected from different languages.

This is a German poem (translation) that i have never heard of before. (Not that that's very surprising. I haven't heard any german poetry before! :-) )

Anyway, here it is:

All Who Seek You

Rainer Maria Rilke

All who seek you
test you.
And those who find you
bind you to image and gesture.

I would rather sense you
as the earth sense you.
In my ripening
ripens
what you are.

I need from you no tricks
to prove you exist.
Time, I know,
is other than you.

No miracles, please.
Just let your laws
become clearer
from generation to generation.

The insensitivity that lies behind being frank

2006-07-07T11:03:00.000+05:30

It really gets to me. Why do people pride themselves on being frank and open and honest when being insensitive and unkind is all they are?

If you can't pay somebody a compliment, then shut up. Do I really need to know that my outfit is not that great today? That my hair looks kind of messed up? Does anybody ever need to know stuff like that?

People who do this generally think they are doing me a favour by letting me know something is wrong. They are giving me an opportunity to deal with the wrong!! Please, i could live without it!!!!

Some time ago, i was asked by a so-called friend why i didn't choose to improve the dressing sense of one of my best friends. I was absolutely furious!! I like my best friend the way she is and I DO NOT see a reason to 'improve' her taste!

This is one of my favourite quotes.. an anonymous one...

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague"

Depression... A long time ago...

2006-07-05T20:32:00.000+05:30

Here's a poem i wrote in the heights (or should i say depths) of depression about work... About 2 years back...

It brings back bittersweet memories...

Hope seems hard to find,
I tell myself, let me try harder,
That's all i can do,
Try harder,
But will it ever come to anything???
I do not know

There are times when all around seems darkness,
My back is bent with a burden,
So heavy: it seems your back is crying
What does one do at such times
Hope seems hard to find

There is nothing to it but to try harder
Yes, I know that's not the solution,
But it's the only way

I don't choose to try harder
But I must
Cos if I don't,
My back is bent,
And Hope seems hard to find

death....

2006-06-29T21:20:00.000+05:30

It does not matter how young or strong you may be, the hour of death comes sooner that you expect.

Nothing ever happens...

2006-05-15T11:38:00.000+05:30

This is a lovely song and i could think of no other song that suits my state of transience right now...

"I'm sitting here in the boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time
I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I'm driving around in my car
I'm driving too fast
I'm driving too far
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely
I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

I'm sitting here
I miss the power
I'd like to go out taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired
Put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens and I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation I don't want to sit on the lemon-tree

I'm steppin' around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen and you wonder

I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
And I wonder, wonder

I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see, and all that I can see, and all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon-tree "

The release of Writing.

2006-05-11T17:57:00.000+05:30

I've loved to write since i was a school girl. And wanted to be a writer ever since i knew the meaning of the word. And although i haven't done any creative writing in a very long time, just penning down my thoughts from time to time has done me a world of good.

I had started to believe that i'd lost the hang of writing. I had started accepting the fact that maybe i would never again know that thrilling feeling of being out of control, when the words come out so fast and you can't write or type fast enough to get them down on paper. This blog has helped me get that feeling back. It doesn't matter how i write. It does not matter at all if i have no readers on my blog. (Readers, this is not an excuse for you to not comment! I still want comments!) That feeling is reason enough to write.

One of my favourite authors is Stephen King. I am not a special fan of horror books. But i read all of King's books because he just writes so goddamn well. A couple of years back, i found that he had written a non-fiction book on the art and craft of writing. The book is called 'On Writing' and is a simple, well-structured book. Read it if you are interested in writing and read it even if you are not cause it's an interesting read anyway. It provides interesting insights into King's life and lets you see what a professional writer actually things of the art.

King makes a couple of perceptions that i was very surprised to read. Because they mirrorred what i thought as well. I don't think too much of my writing skills. I sort of feel that i'm one of those people who'll keep talking of the fact that i want to write and never write anything good enough because i will never devote enough time and patience to the art, as much as i respect it. A sort of dilettante in writing, maybe. Is that the right word??

Well, i'm getting distracted from the point i was trying to make. The perceptions.

Number One: King describes a feeling similar to the one i have when i'm writing. That glorious feeling of being out of control. When the words rush out so fast that your fingers fly over the keyboard until they hurt. He calls this feeling 'falling through the hole in the paper'. Now, i don't know about you, but i find this description beautiful. It's so simple and it's exactly what happens when you're writing. You sort of free fall, out of control. And when you're doing creative writing (i've never experienced this much, because like i said, i haven't been able to do any creative writing recently. My muse refuses to come.), the hole in the paper is a sort of wormhole into another parallel universe. A universe that you create. Imagine Tolkien falling through the hole in his paper into Hobbit Land... Actually walking with Frodo, Sam and Aragorn. So King's description is magical and so true!

Number Two: King says that when you write a story, the author very often does not know the end of the story until he finishes writing it. There is something so awe-inspiring about this thought. Because the fact that the author - who is literally God to the characters in his novel - does not know the end of his book, gives the book a life of it's own. It makes the story a living, breathing thing, which nobody can control. This is an idealist view of writing. And i loved the fact that a writer like King still believed in it.

Number Three: The feeling of complete exhaustion after you write something. When you write with feeling, you write with mind, body and soul. And a bit of all three is left on paper.

Number Four: The fourth perception is not something King talks about in the novel 'On Writing'. He says this in another of his novels - i think it was 'Misery'. He says that no matter how many people a novel is dedicated to, the novel is written for the joy of the writer himself. The writer may love the fact that many people like his book, the book is a best-seller, the book is acclaimed by critics and the money his book gets him. But the book is written first and foremost for himself. King puts this across quite bluntly in the novel. He says that writing is a onanistic act. He's right! Writing is a private, exquisite pleasure. It cannot be shared and enjoying so much pleasure on your own makes you feel guilty!!

All in the name of Love

2006-05-06T10:23:00.000+05:30

It's amazing how when you're thinking of something, you can find so many other things that seem to relate to your train of thought. I wanted to write about parental disapproval of love marriages and the difficulties their children face in opposing them and getting married to the person of their choice. And that was exactly when i read this post . This post talks about career choices and how most kids are influenced by parents onto a career path that does not really suit them. I found that the poem had profound meaning for what i wanted to say as well.

So many of those around me today seem to be in love. And they have been in their relationships for a long time or even if it is for a short time they are completely dedicated and committed to the relationship. In true Chennai form, most of these relationships are carried on without the knowledge of parents. There is no true concept of dating in Chennai. Parents would not dream of allowing their children to go out in this manner. So when a guy and girl fall in love, they hide the relationship from their parents and wait until the Big Day when they need to tell their parents that they are in love. More often that not, this is the day when the parents themselves start looking out for an alliance for their daughter. And so it is the girl who has to tell her parents that she is in love and that she has chosen her life partner herself. And then - all hell breaks loose.

When they fell in love, this guy and girl did not really notice the difference between them. Whether they belonged to different religions, different castes, different positions in society with respect to wealth and status. It's true, Love is Blind. And Deaf and Dumb too, most of the time. :-) But when she tells her parents about the guy - these are the first things that parents want to know. If there is a mismatch in any one of the above reasons, it is enough for the parent to refuse the daughter's request that she be allowed to live her life with who she wants - this guy she has fallen so much in love with. She tries telling them that he is a very eligible bachelor, he looks good, he earns well, he has gone Onsite a couple of times, he is very responsible, hard-working etc. It falls on deaf ears. She tries telling her parents that he loves her more than life. And that he will take care of her forever. No response from the parent. She tells her parents that she will be happy only with him. And if she cannot marry him, her life will become one of misery. Her parents stand like stone, immovable. All parents do not react in this way - there are various ways in which disapproval is expressed. There are parents who lock away their daughter at home and do not allow her to talk to the guy anymore until she is 'safely' engaged to a guy of their choice. There are parents who try to 'make their daughter see reason'. Tell her that it is for her own good that they are doing this. The guy she has chosen is simply not suitable for her. Differences in culture and upbringing cannot be forgotten so easily. There are also parents who begin a emotional blackmail. 'Is this what i brought you up to be?', they say. 'All the hard work over the years, all the dreams i had for your marriage.. are they to end like this??' Or even worse, they resort to blackmailing children with their lives... Lines like 'If you oppose me and get married to HIM, i will not be alive. You make the choice yourself, ME or HIM!!! '

It is not all parents who react like this, I know. But lately, most of my friends' parents seem to be reacting like this. And each of the girls in question, has chosen her parent over her lover, the man she had chosen to spend the rest of her life with. Why do parents do this? Why do they force children to give up on the love of their lives? Life is unpredictable. We do not know if we make the right choices. But that does not mean that we make no choice. We make our choices and our decisions and we learn to live by them. The girl or guy in love is entitled to make his or her choices in life, even if they are wrong ones. It is his or her life. And no one, not even the parent can live it for them.

Read Khalil Gibron's poem again. And please do not try to live our lives for us. Our mistakes are our own. Our joys are our own. Our life is our own. We will live and learn.

Caught in between...

2006-04-25T22:10:00.000+05:30

I've wanted to write this for a very long time now.. but haven't cause i start feeling overwhelmed whenever i start on this issue and my fingers don't seem to move fast enough for me to write all i need to.

Hmmm. Where do i start.. i guess that i will start from something that happened on my trip to japan.. since i'm still very much in a state of hangover with japan..
;-)

Well, like all you people know, i stayed alone in japan and had to do quite a lot of cooking.. since vegetarian food is not very easily available there... Cooking and me.. well how i say this.. i can cook food that's good enough for me to eat.. since i rarely cook at home i don't really know how good or bad my cooking is. And truth to say, i can't say i'm much bothered about my cooking expertise (or lack thereof). I kind of see it as something that i need to know and don't necessarily need to be good at.. cos i'm a working woman.. See where i'm coming from now.. ;-) ??

Well in Japan, i was constantly expected to bring super lunches to office, just because i was a woman. I was supposed to drum up excellent sambhar and rasam, and a curry or a kootu each day.. ! And this when i was going home only by midnight or later each day (or should i say night) and had to come to work the next day at 9 30 AM!!! When is say, 'i was expected' i don't mean that my colleagues expected me to cook food for them and bring it.. (Sheesh, i'd have had quite a few things to say to them and none of them pretty, if they had!!!!) It's just that since i was a 'woman' they quite expected that i would be able to cook each day as well as work late nights at office.. !!! Now i don't know about you, but this constant living upto the superwoman image depresses me. Everytime i see some ad on a tv that shows this perfect woman who manages to have a brilliant career, look beautiful, have a perfect husband and two great kids, take care of her aging in-laws (forget the fact that her parents may be aged and even more in need of her), and run the best household to top it all... i can't help thinking.. is it only me who can't live up to be this paragon of perfection??? I just realized i can't remember exactly which ad shows this kind of an image but think back to all those wishes and cards we got on Women's day.. all those cards that say they salute a woman who plays so many roles, that of a mother, a wife, a dutiful daughter-in-law etc etc.. Do many women actually play all these roles with ease???

And yet it's these very same men who don't hold open a door for me or draw a chair for me.. or make any attempt to accompany me home when i have to go home really late at night. At all of those times, i'm the independant working woman, bold and confident to make my own way home and to do all my things on my own. Not a single finger is lifted on my behalf. And yet these same men treat other women (mostly, women from their own familes) in the best of ways possible. They treat their women like they were the most gentle and delicate souls on earth and meant to be protected and cared for at every step of their ways.

I don't know if the point i'm trying to make here is understandable. In fact, it's hardly a single point - it's too many. Am i wrong in expecting men to be chivalrous? Especially when i won't be the stereotype of my gender, what right do i have to expect men to be stereotypes of their gender?? Do i belong with the wives of the male colleauges i met in Japan - those who stayed at home contentedly and managed their households for their husbands? Do i belong to those brave women who burned bra's and took out rallies so women could vote, get an education, inherit wealth and in sum, be respected as human beings??? Do i belong to those career women who can leave a new born baby and go abroad cos that Onsite chance is never goin to come again??? Or am i supposed to manage all these roles and still do wonderfully well - jus because i'm a woman??????????

The Kite Runner

2006-04-20T21:46:00.000+05:30

I didn't think i would post anything today. Today is the first day of my holiday week - a week i've taken off from work as compensatory leave... ;-) I had decided that i would not touch a computer for one whole week. But i just finished reading this amazing novel and i need to desperately tell somebody about it. So. Here i am.

I don't know how many of you have read this one 'The Kite Runner' by Khaled Hosseini. It's a story set in Afghanistan and there may be many like it in the market today, I don't know. I guess Afghanistan has been a 'happening' place over the last 5 years. Many people write about it today. It is a fashionable setting for a story in these troubled times.

This book is a tale of guilt, a guilt that began with the author as a young boy and stays with him throughout his lifetime. It is beautifully written. I've never reviewed a work of fiction before but i felt a pressing need to write something about this book. The best part of the story is that at no point of time does it feel like a story. The characters come alive, the pages seem to turn on their own. There is no pretension by the author, he is not writing to impress anybody. He is writing because he has a story to tell.

I thought initially that i would write something about the story in this post. But i cannot. It would spoil the story for you. But don't miss this one.

sakura photos...

2006-04-15T14:30:00.000+05:30

take a look at the beautiful sakura.. if i'd stayed in japan for another week, would have been able to see them falling, falling, falling.. like i said in my last post.. the very beauty of these flowers is that their loveliness is so fleeting.. it makes you want to cry... i believe that the japanese have a word for this feeling.. they call it... ..
Mono no Aware
read that post of mari's to find out what this means..

p.s. i don't know who mari is.. but i'm addicted to her blog now.. ;-)

After Japan II

2006-04-10T21:10:00.000+05:30

It's been so long since i posted anything. Almost 4 months.

I came back last week from Japan... So predictably this post is goin to be all about japan and my experiences there...

Japan's an awesome place and i just don't know where to begin. I've been there once before... in may of last year. But i didnt like it that much the last time. Guess all my focus was on something else. I spent 3 months there this time and just about fell in love with the whole place.

The language. It's so much fun to learn a new language. Our co-ordinator in Hitachi didn't know much English. And we needed to interact a lot with him.. So it was mostly gestures and the ever-present Atlas (a translation tool for Japanese to English and vice versa for those unfamiliar... ) but as time progressed i began to understand more and more of what he said. Of course given the high quality of our software, most of my vocabulary ended up revolving around bugs, defects, problems, quality, target, degrade, regression etc.. lol.. ;-) The language bug is still with me. I've joined the JLPT classes in office.. should be writing the exam in December. I'll let you know what happens then.. ;-))

The men!! I found so many japanese men attractive this time... Although i don't quite know what it was about them!! To name a few.. this guy on japanese tv who played a superhero.. he was awesome.. !! but then i guess super heroes are universally appealing ;-) Many of the guys working in Hitachi.. especially in the Server team.. ok let's not go into names here.. But there was this particular guy in the Server team who was hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.. sigh.. about the cutest guy i ever met! He was not much taller than me.. with dark eyes that seemed to have the slightest green to them.. He had a wonderful smile.. (we were always smiling at each other.. !! don't ask me why!!!!)

The service - Japanese service is an experience worth making a special trip to Japan for... Whether it's your local lawson shop attendant, whether it's a taxi driver or the yodobashi attendant.. they are supremely polite and just waiting to help you.. !! it doesnt matter if you dont know much japanese - the gadget friendly always have a translation tool in easy access. They flash it out and smile at you apologising all the while for their ignorance of english. Their apology makes things doubly embarassing - you're in their country and you don't know a word of their language.. !! When you come back to india and walk through Indian customs to meet the surly customs officer, you land back on earth with a bang.. !!!

And the sakura.. !! Now most people must have heard of this one - sakura is japanese cherry blossom. A beautiful delicate flower that blooms in spring and falls in just a few weeks reminding us that the most beautiful of things don't last long.... In fact their short lifespans make them all the more beautiful..

Hmm, i guess this post is getting too long.. Don't know how many of you people had the patience to get this far.. !! Comments, please.. !!

The whole arranged marriage thing

2005-12-23T13:03:00.000+05:30

In school, if there was ever one thing that could get me all riled up, it was the concept of an arranged marriage. Phew!! I simply could not stand the thought of it during school. What kind of weird society, i thought, would set up two strangers to spend the rest of their lives together!!!! Indian society - it turns out, is the weirdest of societies!!! In fact, i think, the words 'love marriage' or 'arranged marriage' have a meaning only in an Indian world and would make almost no sense to a Westerner!!!!

As i moved through from school to college, my thoughts grew more mature. Maybe love is not all that it takes to get married and indeed to stay married. Look at the number of couples who break up, my friends said. They are all from the so-called love marriages. Couples from arranged marriages stick it out. They give the relationship more committment. Was it indeed that way??? I couldn't decide. But by this time, i'd come to realise that both marriages were accepted in this world and that's the way it would be. I would not be the harbringer of a revolution that would remove arranged marriages from this world!!!

Then another thought struck me - definitely, it's the love marriages which are more romantic. People who are in love want each other (in every sense of the word :) ) so atleast these marriages should be more fun than arranged weddings???? NOOOOOOOOO, said my cousin, in love marriages, the man and woman come into the relationship knowing each other well. There is no excitement in such a relationship, nothing left to learn. It's the arranged marriage which is more exciting. Hmmmm, i thought... Maybe she had a point.. But then another thought struck me.. Was she talking this way only because she had an arranged marriage?? As far as i know, she had liked a guy from college. But she hadn't dreamt of saying anythign to him because she knew her father would never agree to this kind of a marriage!!! My confusion continued..

Another 2 years passed. Another cousin was getting married. This time, it was a love marriage. Her dad had initially posed a lot of objections to her wedding too but love triumphed and she won him around. It seemed to me that this was the way to be. Two persons being brought together in wedlock should want to spend the rest of their lives together. Shouldn't they?????

And then finally, one day... My mother talks to me.. I think we should start looking out for an alliance for you, Harini. After all, you're 23 now.

Bang. There it is - 'The End'. Although my confusion still continues, it looks as though i will end up with an arranged marriage after all!!!

India Inc - CMM Level 4

2005-12-14T13:14:00.000+05:30

Maybe this is going to sound stupid to some of you people...

I've recently been reading and hearing too much about CMM levels in software. Any Indian software company that has the CMM level 5 certification makes sure that this is mentioned all over it's website or recruitment portals. What makes a capability maturity model... What is the difference between CMM 4 and CMM 5. My PM would probably tell you that CMM 4 means that you have effective review practices such that you can control your defects after you make them. But CMM 5 is a process that makes sure you don't make those defects in the first place. Hmmm... I'm not sure if i got that right :-) Well, anyways, that's not the point.

I was thinking of these maturity level measuring models while listening to the news. And the major headline on the news was the rain. This has been the case for so many days now in Tamil Nadu. It just struck me that we could probably have a capability maturity model for governments, administrations and countries with respect to how they react to natural disasters. A country that could predict the occurance of natural disasters and put measures in place to handle such situations would fit into CMM level 5... A country that could not predict but could take good measures (such as evacuation of people, distribution of relief) after the disaster would fit into CMM Level 4.. Just a thought. India has only now got into the CMM Level 4 category. Miles to go before we sleep...

There are probably hundreds of situations into which such maturity models could be fitted into. It is a pity that their measurement is only used as a benchmark in profit oriented and highly competitive industries such as the software industry. Not just maturity models there are dozens of processes in software that could be applied to governments and administration. Processes that help in tracking progress, tagging accountability and superior management of resources. But wait, I am talking only of the software industry here. There are numerous other industries, older ones, which have great processes and management practices. But all of these industries have one thing in common with software. They are all profit oriented industries. Only industries and institutions that are profit oriented work. Only these have what it takes to succeed. The triumph of capitalism in the world today is proof of this fact.

Governments and administrations should have an incentive to succeed. Imagine a State Government in India working all round the clock because an audit from a professional CMM audit team was due. Whew!! I'll stop here. That was beyond my imagination.

Being in love ??!!

2005-11-22T01:54:00.000+05:30

I found this online... This is a nice piece of writing... The song mentioned is a song by Micheal Learns to Rock... And it is beautiful. The guy who wrote this must have been interesting!!! Hmm... sigh....

"It's a crazy dream. When you're in love, all around you is a crazy dream. They call it seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses. :-) It's like you see all round you in bright colours. The grass looks greener, the sky looks bluer and everybody looks prettier and more beautiful. All because your lover has just given you a smile.

The bards and the poets were not lying when they said love was both pain and pleasure!! It's like a constant ache... cos you're always thinking of the person you love, in work and in play.. and even, in your sleep... It's true: It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all...

This is a beautiful song... Dedicated to...

"More Than A Friend"

You got me counting the seconds
It happens every time
I'm waiting for the moment
We can sit down and talk for awhile

And every time that you're near me
My heart is running away
How can I tell you
When words don't come easy
And there is so much I'm trying to say

::Chorus::LyricsCafe.com::
I wanna know that love will surround us
And you'll share it with me every day
Tell me you'll care for me now and forever
I'll give anything to hear you say
That I'm more than a friend

I'm gonna try in the future
Not to live in the past
I guess that I was a dreamer
If I thought it could ever last

But every time that I see you
you bring me out in the sun
How can I hide it when we are together
I just know that you're the only one

::Chorus::LyricsCafe.com::
I wanna know...

I wanna make you see everything you are to me
Try to understand
I wonder if you can
The love I have for you will always be true "

Those car people...

2005-11-18T12:45:00.000+05:30

A rather sad thing to see...
I was riding to work today on my scooty. As usual i had to cross the crowded kathipara junction to get to my work place. All of a sudden, i noticed an argument going on in front of me. One guy was shouting at another who was on a cycle. The cyclist, i noticed, held a rearview mirror in his hand. He appeared repentant of whatever he had done. The other man kept pointing to a car and then the rearview mirror. It was only then that i saw the car.

In the back seat of the car, there were two men. Business executives, it looked like. They appeared rather prosperous and were reading the Economic Times. They did not appear to be bothered by the altercation that was going on between the driver (by then i had deduced that the man who has shouting at the cyclist had to be the driver) . The driver gestured to the car and asked the cyclist to apologise. The cyclist went hesitantly to the back door and said something. The driver meanwhile got into his seat. And then it seemed to me, that the driver asked the cyclist to pay up for the rearview mirror damaged. ( i had by then realised taht the cyclist in his haste to get to wherever he was going to.. had knocked off the rearview mirror from the car. It was for this that he was being given the punishment by the driver.) I was shocked when one of the business executives at the back of the car reached and hand out and took something from the driver. It looked like a hundred rupee note.

I don't know why this incident disturbs me so much. All said and done, the cyclist was definitely in the wrong. He had flouted traffic rules, damaged the car and endangered his own life in the process. At the least he would need to pay up for the damanges he had caused. But it was the attitude of the guys at the back which bothered me so much. Why were they so ready and willing to accept the money from the man? Did a rearview mirror matter so much? Would it not have been enough to just give the man a telling-off to and then forgetting the matter? After all, the man had not done anything that the car driver would not have done. And these executives, to whom a hundred rupees was not even going to cover the expense of a day.... Surely these people of all did not need the money???? Why did they take it from a hapless man who already looked like he had no money at all????? And the driver, surely he should have realised the poverty-stricken situation of the cyclist? Was he not in a better position compared to the executives to appreciate the cruelties of poverty????

The whole drama seemed to me like a scene from a communist movie.. demonstrating the insensitivity of the bourgeois class and the haplessness of the impoverished... Like one of those moscow dachaus (isn't that the russian word for bungalows) when most of the other russians were living in match box like flats...

I am not very sure if indeed the cyclist gave money to the car people. But it certainly seemed like he did. And i lost a little of the firm belief i have in the goodness of humans today.